Im a mask to the world

Monday, August 13, 2007

Today is the release of the Mother Tongue O Level results. I failed. E8. Its damn demoralising. I feel defeated. I think i wanna give up already. I really cant take this anymore. And yes i need help. I want it desperately but who and how? =( Everyone else around me managed to score distinctions. But why not me? Its not like i didnt work hard at all..i did! SIGH! I feel like i wasted my mums money on tuition. The money that she worked really really hard for. I feel so stupid. And at the moment...as im typing this, i cant stop crying. It really hurts. At first i didnt really care cause i didnt expect to get such a high mark. But i kinda expected at least a c6 or c5. I expected to pass. Yes, i did pass my orals but i flunked the rest of the paper. This really sucks. Before i got the results, i asked HIM if he was nervous and HE was like no and i shook HIS hand and was like welcome to the club. Im not even bothered. And HE said, im not bothered lah but not until like you. Wah like that really hurt my feelings lah. SIGH! And when i got the result, when Mr Teo told me what i got i was like oh okay... After a while, i looked at everyone else and noticed what their reactions were like. People were either crying because they passed really well, or passed but didnt do as well as they had expected to. And i was the only one who failed and sort of had like no reaction on my face. I was still smiling away. As i walked out of school, i told Brenda, Diana, my mum and Kumari my results and i felt really bad. Just all of a sudden. That feeling sucked too. MANY people asked me how i did but i refused to answer everyone. As Thiru, Nishaa, Jannah and i were walking out of school, i suddenly felt emo-ness taking over me. I started to feel really sad. And when i looked at my other fellow indian classmates, i felt even worse. I kept asking myself. Why me? How come this happened to me only? I FEEL SO STUPID! It really does sucks lah. And in the bus, i stood alone emoing to myself. On my way home, in the 811 bus, i teared abit. And when i reached home my sister asked me how i did and i told her i failed and she just went like oh so when are you supposed to retake it again? Walau! I dont have any consolence also. I just went into my room, shut the door, locked it and started to cry till now. And then i realised...i actually wanted to do well for tamil too...=( Im on the verge of giving up. Part of me is ready to fall down on my knees and surrender to the world. The other part still has that little hope. Please god..i need a miracle. Somehow, i just need one.

The only good thing about today was that i think i can definetly pass my English O level orals. It was easy enough...but still...tamil....=(

9:09 PM; unforgotten.Y