Today is actually my mums birthday. Its also a fucked up day la. Went to school and realised that there was actually a class performance practice but i didnt know. Felt pissed so i decided to have breakfast with Nicole and thus i wasnt in the dance.
Went for the deepa-raya fiesta concert and ok la i enjoyed parts of it. The banner looked nice although i thought that Ms Gayathiri and Mrs Kumari added too much other stuffs to the banner.
Then had recess. During recess i suddenly became very emo. I felt like shit all of a sudden. Was in the council room. I wanted to be alone but at the same time i wanted support and company. I dont know la. I felt like crying. I suddenly felt soo left out cause of my results and council and drama. Basically everything la. Its like im the only one going through this and is being greatly affected by it too. I suddenly feel like im alone and there no one else around. Like i dont have friends.
I feel lost. And when i was in the council room and when i was among the councilors, i suddenly felt like i have never been a councilor before and sitting among them was soo awkward! Im under depression!!! Im serious. I wanna be happy again. Im sick and tired of being depressed and sad. I wanna stay strong. In fact im trying to stay strong in front of my juniors and for them. But i really cant! Im falling apart. Its like the impact is hanging onto me. I dont know why. I dont know what to do. I wanna run away. I wanna get out of this sticky mess. I want freedom! Im emo-ing.
If tomorrow im in a bad mood, LEAVE ME ALONE! Im probably gonna start pissing and shouting at people and ive never done that but ive got a feeling that from now on, i will. This whole year has been a bad one. Worse than anything ive ever faced. Worse than last year. Adding everything up makes it feel even worse than loosing Randy. I wish he was here. I dont know why but i want him here. I still love him. Im holding onto sooo many things right now. I just cant let go of them. I want to but i just cant! I want to talk to that someone about all this. But i know that someone will eventually get sick and tired of all this and will one day decide to avoid me.
People ask me if im ok now. But one day they will give up. Its always like that. I mean they WILL get sick and tired of this. I feel like i lost myself. My smile. My laughter. My joy. My happiness. My freedom. My sense of belonging. My confidence. Them. It. Him. Me....I lost it all and i want it all back. Im struggling to stay strong and fight this battle but im not succeeding. I need support. I need comfort.
I dont know whats wrong with me. Why am i suddenly emo-ing??? Everything here is about me, myself and i. All my life i have always put other peoples feelings in front of me. Their needs in front of me. Them in front of me. I always gave in and went to them first. I always looked at myself as the second one. But now i really dont give a damn. Cause the world and people are cruel! They dont give a damn. I need to care about myself. I dont give a damn about others anymore.
I wanna transfer school and im serious. Better still i wanna migrate elsewhere. I wanna start everything from square one and i wanna forget about everything. I wanna leave my past behind me and move on not having to worry about anything. I wish i stayed in NA. I would have been topping the shit out of people. I would have been more successful. I would have proper friends. I would have something to look forward to everday. I would have a reason to wake up. I would have a reason to breathe and live. I would have the happiness ive been seeking for my whole life. Im depressed!
I need counselling. I wanna get counselled. I wanna cut my hand like i did last year. I wanna smoke and feel the hot smoke going into my lungs and slowly feasting on my life. I wanna die faster and leave everything behind. Yes...its always and I cause i give no fuck about others anymore. They dont care about me. I dont see the need to care about them. I care only for those who really care. I want someone to actually care. I wanna feel cared about. Whats more...I want my self and my smile back.
After that then there was the talent quest. I ''lost'' someones something and in the end i dont want to talk about it la. After school i went home with Nishaa. At the Yishun interchange, met Humaira, Dina and Rosalia. The five of us went to Long Johns to eat. Then went to buy my mum a $69 earing from Taka Jewellery. And we went home.
