Have you ever felt that friends you thought were your friends are suddenly not really your friends? I really canot trust anyone. After i lost three wonderful friends whom i thought were my friends last year. Not only did i lose them but i got my heart broken and lost myself in that process too. I lost him too. I suffered a GREAT DEPRESSION of my own and it has affected me big time! I keep thinking that they are my friends but i keep losing them all in the end. Is it because i dont know how to keep my friends? I dont think so...im someone who can keep secrets and im like always there for my friends and basically ive got all the necessary friend qualities. This IS a fact : I always put other especially my friends in front of me.
But why do i keep losing them? I lost them and her and him and wah alot seh. Its depressing really. I used to be a cheerful freak but now look at me. I may still go around smiling like a freak n all but inside im really the TOTAL opposite. No one knows that really. The reason why i smile alot and all that is because i rather make people happy and see them happy than to see them in my state.
Sigh..i just wish i can stop being depressed! I want things to go back to normal. Everything is turning upside down! Ever since i came to secondary three, its all just different. I feel like i cant trust anyone and dont have true friends. I mean i do have friends but not in the sense or rather its not like what i had before. And im not liking it one bit.
When i was a sec1 in 2004, it was like perfect! My studies were great, i had lotsa friends, my parents were like never upset with me, my teachers loved me, i loved my friends and they loved me. Alot of people told me many times before that once i get to sec 3, it is when things will change and it is when i will figure out my true self.
Right now, im depressed, cheerful no more, slacker, sad, strict, useless, boring, lame no more, funny no more kinda person. Got something else la but too risky to say it out here. And is that really my trueself? Cause if it is then BULLSHIT! I die die dont wanna be like that. Ive always hated that kinda attitude and i dont wanna be like that. EVER!
I used to be soo independent but now im soo dependent. Whats wrong with me? Why have i changed soo much? I want things to be the way they used to be. And i miss him lots.
Yes yes i still have feelings for him but hey i
love him alot as a friend too. He was sort of like the only one who could ever understand me. He knew everything that i was going through. He was always there for me. He was always able to sense me. He always cared and never liked it when i keep things from him. And the fact that he shared problems with me really touched my heart (as a friend la). I feel like ive known him for years and he told me he feels that way too. But now i dont know if it is because of what he has been into recently but i dont feel that connection anymore. Its like he used to always start a conversation with me and used to talk alot. Ofcourse ill do my part too but now, he doesnt talk much to me anymore. Even when i start the conversation. Its as though he suddenly dont care anymore. Am i being drama or over reacting here? I hope not. I really want things to be back to normal. I remember telling him once that he will surely regret having me as a friend. And he said he wouldnt. I hope he really meant that. He also told me once that i mean alot to him as a friend and he dont wanna lose me. I bloody hell feel the same too and i would never want to lose him too. I even thanked god for the first time for letting me find such a friend. But now...im really sad that its all different. I even prayed for his exams during my camp once and that is how much i care for him. Why is it different now? Should i just talk to him about it? I really want to but i dont know how....Things are just not the same without him. And i definitely dont want him to think that im messing with his life. Am i being selfish here in any way?
